A post _saybia_
wrote got my attention, but then again, all her posts do. She reminded me of Alexander - a guy I didn't quite personally know.
He commited suicide by throwing himself in front of a train. He was fourteen years old. As I said before, I didn't know him personally, but I had seen him around, knew his class. Shared some of his teachers. The day when everybody was informed of that fact, was quite an emotional one, (weren't we supposed to go and watch "falling" in The Spinx that day?) even for those who didn't quite knew him.
Fourteen years old. Threw himself in front of a train to end his life. The date being november 26, 2001. Does that shock you much? It no longer shocks me. I've seen so many people come and go in St-Lucas, and I wonder about the most of them - especially the troubled ones. And I've known so many.
I've heard of one of them lately, a certain Bram. I vaguely suspect that he had a crush on me, but that doesn't matter. He is fine, still alive and kicking, planning to set up his first exposition, which (from what I've heard) consists out of rather ... macabre dolls that serve as lighting, and are "modified" in several ways.
That's one of them, of which I am sure that he's turned out more or less "okay". But there are so many others.
There was Virgil, for instance. Your usual ghetto/gangsta boy, with the cap, the XXL trousers, the rap music. Had a lot of problems with his parents, and authority. Would freak out for the smallest thing. Was heavily addicted to drugs. I haven't heard anything of him. I try not to think the worst.
There was Annelies. She was quite troubled, very troubled even. She had a sort of "fixation" on a girl (yes, lesbian), who, sadly enough didn't return her feelings. Her parents had divorced under rather explosive circumstances. At times, in the middle of class, she would ramble on and on, and eventually, she would faint, which resulted us in dragging her outside to give her some fresh air, where upon the previous scene would recommence. I see her now and then, and am glad she seems to be fine.
There was someone else - someone I had a secret crush on. I've never spoken to this about everyone. And sadly enough, I've forgotten his name, but I can remember his face quite well. I'm unfortunate to admit that his face sometimes, randomly, will pop up in my head. I think about him at least once a month.
We never knew much about him. He joined my merry class in the last half of the year. He was in a mental institution, but had been deemed "healthy" enough to go and have classes outside of the institution. He came out of a family of 7 (could have been more). Soft-spoken. Nervous, because he always tapped with his pen at the desk. The first few days, everything seemed okay. He seemed to be able to fit in. And then suddenly, hell broke loose. I am not kidding. He went up to my teacher, threw over a huge, gigantic, heavy drawing table, and continued to yell at the teacher, threatening to hit him. After the teacher hid behind our backs (sucker), he ran off, leaving his backpack in the class. And that was the last I've heard of him. The next day, when he came into the same class, the backpack was still there.
Although I am pretty positive about most of the "troubled" kids that I have known, I fear that he didn't come out of it okay.
Fourteen seems awfully young, but ... you've had fourteen years to build up on anger, sadness and personal issues, that sometimes it doesn't really matter. I believe it was Norway, Sweden, one of those Scandinavian countries, that had one of the most child
suicides. It isn't strange at all. Ghent is the city in the EU with the most suicides, if I recall correctly.
Hereby I am remembered of when Chrisje's son commited suicide as well - left the car engine running, hooked up a tube from his exhaust, and succesfully soffucated himself to death. I remember that everyone tip-toed in her neighborhood for quite some time. We never quite know how to deal with the family of someone who has killed himself. Chrisje has such a warm heart - I can still remember her staying at the deathbed of a kid who used to be in my third year - he died of cancer.
Suicide is a choice - and most think that it will only affect themselves. That is where they are wrong. It affects everyone. I think that might be the only thing keeping me from doing it to myself. I don't wish to be selfish. And although suicide is a very selfish act, it also is a judger of extreme bravery.People who have commited suicide, are not weak, just because they didn't manage to solve their problems; their issues.
They are extremely brave, because they have looked up into the face of God, and told him: "You cannot fire me, I quit."
But it hurts. Leaves at least an impact on you if you didn't know the person. Shocks you extremely if it was someone from your nearest vicinity. When I wandered on the cemetery where my maternal grandfather is buried, I stumbled upon a grave of a rather young man - 34, I believe - who had drank himself to death because of a lost love. I saw red roses on his grave - some of them littered along on the path. I picked them up and placed them back, where they belonged.
Sometimes, we don't need to know reason of why that person killed himself - they just did it. And it hurts. Leaves you speechless. Makes you wonder what he or she could have become. Perhaps that is the most painful bit. What could he have become?
Rest in peace, Alexander.
(Picture taken from _saybia_'s journal.
I'm going to grab my beer now. Feelin' a lil' misty. Comments are disabled, folks. If you guys want to talk to me, my AIM is open. LouisDlac
I am just going to grab a beer now and relax with a book. Feelin' a little dissapointed,nervous and choked up.
Ping me. I could use some plottage, and some fun.